mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
