I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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