Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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