I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
