As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
