My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
