I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
