matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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