Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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