Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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