matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
