Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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