I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
