It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
