i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
