A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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