is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
