I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
