my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
