You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
