hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
