dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
