So drunk its hurt
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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