you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
