the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
