There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
