I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
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Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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