Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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