i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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