She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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