That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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