either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
