dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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