I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
