I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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