Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
