Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
