I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the day after is always just damage control
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
