I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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