I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
