I'm so fucking centered right now
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
