Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
