Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
