i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
