I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
