dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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