Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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