kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
