sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
