I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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