im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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