Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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