i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
