I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
