I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
