if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
