I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
