Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
