I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
