I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
