i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
