if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
