I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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