Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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