He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
